Perseverance Is Not What You Think It Is
Perseverance, as it’s often portrayed—gritty, relentless, unwavering—can sometimes feel disconnected from the lived reality of many women. Because for a lot of women, the question isn’t how to push harder. It’s how do I keep going without losing myself, or compromising my health?
Cultural Norms
Culturally, perseverance is often framed as endurance at all costs. Push through. Don’t quit. Stay committed. Psychology research plays a part in reinforcing this perspective. American psychologist, Angela Duckworth’s work on “grit” describes perseverance as sustained effort toward long-term goals, and it’s direct impact on achievement across many areas of life. However, what often gets missed even in the research, is that perseverance is only beneficial when paired with meaning and flexibility. In fact, studies have shown that persistence without the ability to adapt—especially in situations that are no longer workable—can actually harm well-being and performance. If you’ve ever had the feeling that continuing was quietly costing you something valuable, you might well be intuiting what the evidence reveals.
What Perseverance Looks Like in Real Life
For many women between 25 and 65, perseverance doesn’t look like chasing a single goal with tunnel vision.
It looks like:
Holding a career while questioning if it still fits
Staying present in relationships while navigating resentment or change
Continuing beyond burnout—not because you want to, but because it feels like the only option
Rebuilding identity after motherhood, divorce, loss, or a major life change
This kind of perseverance is complex—and not always inspiring.
The Ultimate Dilemma: Stay or Change?
One of the most complex parts of perseverance is this: How do I know when to keep going… and when to stop? While there’s no straightforward answer for every situation, research provides some direction.
Studies on goal pursuit show that people with higher well-being aren’t just persistent—they are also able to disengage from goals that are no longer serving them and re-engage with new ones.
In other words, psychological health isn’t just about sticking it out. It’s about discernment.
And yet many women I work with feel guilt even considering letting go:
“I’ve invested too much.”
“What if I regret it?”
“Quitting means I failed.”
“What if this is as good as it gets for me?”
“What will people think?”
So they keep persevering from a place of fear, not alignment. Which is understandable given that it’s not simple, and it often requires patience, planning, and a lot of support.
Supporting Sustainable Perseverance
If we step away from the “just push through” narrative, a different picture emerges. Research and clinical experience both point to a more nuanced kind of perseverance—one that is negotiated, not forced.
Here are some of the conditions that support it:
1. Emotional Honesty
Perseverance becomes unsustainable when it requires constant self-abandonment and self-censoring. Women are often socialized to override their own needs—to be accommodating, composed, compromising. However long-term perseverance requires the opposite: the ability to acknowledge when something feels misaligned. Not every feeling is a signal to quit—but every feeling is information, and it matters.
2. Meaning That Evolves With Your Goals
We often assume goals should stay fixed. But research shows that values and priorities shift over time, especially through major life transitions. What mattered at 28 may not matter at 38. Perseverance, then, isn’t about staying loyal to an old version of yourself, it’s about staying connected to what matters now. That takes mindfulness, and responsiveness.
3. Self-Compassion (Not Just Discipline)
There’s strong evidence that self-compassion—treating yourself with the same care you’d offer a friend—is linked to greater resilience and persistence over time. Because it reduces the energetic cost of effort and exertion. If every setback turns into self-criticism, perseverance becomes unbearable. If setbacks are met with understanding, acceptance, and encouragement, you’re more likely to continue.
4. Nervous System Capacity
Perseverance isn’t just a mindset—it’s also physiological. When you’re chronically stressed, overwhelmed, or burnt out, your nervous system shifts into survival mode. And from that place, everything feels more difficult, if not impossible: focus, motivation, decision-making all go-offline when you’re in fight or flight, or chronic hypervigilance. Sometimes what looks like a lack of perseverance is actually depletion. Rest, regulation, and support aren’t rewards for perseverance—they’re requirements for it.
A Different Kind of Strength
There’s a quiet but important shift that happens when women begin to redefine perseverance.
It moves from:“I have to keep going no matter what” to“I choose where and how I keep going.” That shift includes:
Continuing and questioning
Effort and boundaries
Commitment and self-trust
It’s more sensitive, balanced, and ultimately, more sustainable.
If You’re Struggling
If things feel heavy for you right now— and to be honest I don’t know a woman who isn’t feeling the weight of the world right now—you’re in a very human place, and you don’t need to figure out the future immediately.
Instead, you might gently ask yourself:
What feels important enough to continue, even imperfectly?
What feels like it’s asking too much of me right now?
What would perseverance look like if it included care for myself?
Perseverance isn’t just about staying the course. Sometimes, it’s about staying in relationship with yourself while the course changes. And if you’re still hopeful, still reflecting, still trying to find a way forward that feels more like you—that is a form of perseverance that will stand the test of time.